Today is Pradaxa day! One year ago today the hematologist prescribed a new blood thinner drug for me: Pradaxa. Consequently I could stop taking coumadin, which did not stabilize well in my body. I was referred to as coumadin resistant.
Pradaxa was approved for use in the USA on October 18, the very day I left for Europe, where this medical adventure began. Two months later it was prescribed for me. An amazing drug it is! It is a capsule taken morning and evening -- no blood tests or any other test. It breaks down in 12 to 17 hours (half life) so there is little danger of it accumulating to dangerous levels as with coumadin. The doctor prescribed it saying that coumadin was ineffective for me and otherwise I would need to keep on giving myself injections of Lovenox quite expensive and harder to administer.
The remarkable availability of this drug at just the point that I can benefit from it--a doctor who prescribes it--medical insurance which easily agreed to cover it--it is more than I can say I deserve. But for it I am very grateful.
I am thrilled to have the opportunity to experience this new generation of medical therapy. To not need the needles of blood testing or of injections is a relief.
But I lose being part of the belly bruise group--caused by those daily or twice daily injections. It was a good point of identity--a sort of secret society. When someone would ask about my illness and recovery occasionally he/she would get a knowing look and say, oh you have black and blue marks: Yeh, you understand what it is like....
Moving on to a new stage of health means releasing the previous stage. And in previous stages there were the points of identity and meaning. Letting go is a loss but what is gained is better.
Sometimes in other aspects of life it is hard to step away from places we receive security and identity even when that identity is rooted in dysfunction of some kind. Hard to step away even when there is a promise of greater health or well being by moving on with the new.
I hear God drawing and saying: Let go, come to me....
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- December 10, 2010
Today was the day my blood thinned to an INR of 3.4 and I could stop giving myself daily injections of Lovenox. 3 weeks is not a long time and many people need to give themselves even multiple injections every day for years on end. But it was a new experience for me. Injecting myself was a condition for release from the hospital. It was projected I would need to inject myself for about 3 days until my blood reached the the desired level. But it took 3 weeks. And in those 18 extra days was the uncertainty, once again. What is happening now? Why doesn't my blood respond more normally? The 3 time per week blood testing -- was one of the more predictable pieces of my weekly schedule.
Waiting--delayed results with less than clear understanding of what is going on; that is not uncommon in life in general. We make a financial investment and the stock market drops. Or we take a step of faith and God seems slow for respond and honor it and we need to continually remind ourselves we did not take the step because God guaranteed a certain result, we did it because God is glorified in obedient faith. Obedience, persistence is glorifying to God and when that is the fruit of my life it is meaningful and worthwhile.
Waiting--delayed results with less than clear understanding of what is going on; that is not uncommon in life in general. We make a financial investment and the stock market drops. Or we take a step of faith and God seems slow for respond and honor it and we need to continually remind ourselves we did not take the step because God guaranteed a certain result, we did it because God is glorified in obedient faith. Obedience, persistence is glorifying to God and when that is the fruit of my life it is meaningful and worthwhile.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- Thanksgiving Day
Last year I wanted to go to my brother's place, but what a load to put on June. Should I travel that far? Should I expect her to invest that amount of time when I had been Mr time consuming investment from her over the past 6 weeks?
Answer: No. I needed to take myself out of the middle and serve June. Hard because I felt that I had already missed so much. But even more realizing that God was leading and pressing into me priorities of life and family patterns.
So here we are back in real time on Thanksgiving Day 2011. I am profoundly grateful for life, for health, for God's persistent grace and pressing presence.
One of the most vivid images of my experience is the dwelling, pressing presence of God. In the natural I recall the pressed int the bed sort of feeling as I awoke from the appendix surgery in Prague. But then time and time again the pressed into God sort of feeling as I maneuvered the path of recovery.
My journal celebrates when I was home for a longer stretch of days than I had spent in the hospital and keeps measuring that span: longer than my most recent stay, longer than total number of days in the hospital etc. Looking back it reflects the awareness of the unknown next day. After compressed ups and downs would the path toward healing stay straight?
It is how we face life. No promise of tomorrow. So how do we face and hold today?
I want to live each day preparing for the long term and resting in the contentment of today; He abides, He dwells, he speaks.
Answer: No. I needed to take myself out of the middle and serve June. Hard because I felt that I had already missed so much. But even more realizing that God was leading and pressing into me priorities of life and family patterns.
So here we are back in real time on Thanksgiving Day 2011. I am profoundly grateful for life, for health, for God's persistent grace and pressing presence.
One of the most vivid images of my experience is the dwelling, pressing presence of God. In the natural I recall the pressed int the bed sort of feeling as I awoke from the appendix surgery in Prague. But then time and time again the pressed into God sort of feeling as I maneuvered the path of recovery.
My journal celebrates when I was home for a longer stretch of days than I had spent in the hospital and keeps measuring that span: longer than my most recent stay, longer than total number of days in the hospital etc. Looking back it reflects the awareness of the unknown next day. After compressed ups and downs would the path toward healing stay straight?
It is how we face life. No promise of tomorrow. So how do we face and hold today?
I want to live each day preparing for the long term and resting in the contentment of today; He abides, He dwells, he speaks.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 19
Journel verbatim:
I arrived home today! 1 week at UMMC + 2 days prior at Laurel Regional. I am grateful for life. Grateful for my family and ... loving home. We chose you Lord. We say for this household we will serve you.
You are a strong and loving God!
I think this is only my 8th night @ home since I left for Wales a month and a day ago. 19 nights in the hospital. The remainder in Europe and travel and transit....
Lord, thank-you for the path toward healing. Continue to move upon me Great Physician; body, should and spirit.
I arrived home today! 1 week at UMMC + 2 days prior at Laurel Regional. I am grateful for life. Grateful for my family and ... loving home. We chose you Lord. We say for this household we will serve you.
You are a strong and loving God!
I think this is only my 8th night @ home since I left for Wales a month and a day ago. 19 nights in the hospital. The remainder in Europe and travel and transit....
Lord, thank-you for the path toward healing. Continue to move upon me Great Physician; body, should and spirit.
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 18
The surgeries are over and I was sent to a normal room. First time in a week with no heart monitor.
Dr Gopal, the vascular surgeon, recommended highly by me, is a straight shooter. He came in and said: Your vein is very diseased. You could get clots again. Later in life you can have sores on your leg which could be difficult to heal. Wear the pressure sock to delay this....
That was discouraging. No reassurance that this operation healed anything. It did eliminate the immediate pressure problem and the prognosis from a medical perspective is for for several evades in the future which could have been occurring in a very few years if not for the operation.
If I can inject myself every day with Lovenox I can go home. Giving myself a shot is not a pleasant thought but I will do it to be at home! Bring on the needle!
Longer term: What does this mean? Are there life direction decisions to make now growing from this? Doctors are not saying do not fly, so nothing definite coming from there.
One again I am in a preference for passivity for decisions to be more clear cut. Exert faith is the operative word, not formed in me but a reoccurring theme as I put this into a blog today.
Dr Gopal, the vascular surgeon, recommended highly by me, is a straight shooter. He came in and said: Your vein is very diseased. You could get clots again. Later in life you can have sores on your leg which could be difficult to heal. Wear the pressure sock to delay this....
That was discouraging. No reassurance that this operation healed anything. It did eliminate the immediate pressure problem and the prognosis from a medical perspective is for for several evades in the future which could have been occurring in a very few years if not for the operation.
If I can inject myself every day with Lovenox I can go home. Giving myself a shot is not a pleasant thought but I will do it to be at home! Bring on the needle!
Longer term: What does this mean? Are there life direction decisions to make now growing from this? Doctors are not saying do not fly, so nothing definite coming from there.
One again I am in a preference for passivity for decisions to be more clear cut. Exert faith is the operative word, not formed in me but a reoccurring theme as I put this into a blog today.
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 16
Today was difficult. June's Grandmother was buried today after 95 years of a God glorifying life. So June Lia and Austin were up in PA to attend the funeral. Consequently June did not come into the hospital earlier in the day as she would have otherwise.
I was told I would go into surgery early in the morning but I waited and waited with no explanation. It was not until mid-afternoon that I was taken in for the procedure. Later I found out that a donated liver had become available and they needed to do that operation first! No problem, I can wait for such a noble reason!
The ICU is an incredible place. Life hanging in the balance in every bed. A nurse said to me one day: You are probably the only patient in here who is appreciating the football on TV today!
I was told I would go into surgery early in the morning but I waited and waited with no explanation. It was not until mid-afternoon that I was taken in for the procedure. Later I found out that a donated liver had become available and they needed to do that operation first! No problem, I can wait for such a noble reason!
The ICU is an incredible place. Life hanging in the balance in every bed. A nurse said to me one day: You are probably the only patient in here who is appreciating the football on TV today!
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 14-17
Today I went into the operating room for the first stage of a multiple day procedure to remove the clot. A filter was first inserted into my vena cava vein to catch any clot particles that break off. (That is expected to remain there as a long term preventative measure not uncommon with multiple DVT episodes.) Then a clot busting drug will drip into my vein via a catheter and each day for a number of days I will go into surgery and have the loosened portion cleaned out and a new trouble spot tackled. That is only an hour or two per day. The rest of the time? Flat on my back, no sitting up in bed, in the intensive care unit. (It will end up being 4 days.)
This is medical science at its best trying get my blood flowing through my vein again.
From my journal:
Father, your river of life is stopped up at places ad not able to have the life giving flow you desire. Please bust the clots of religion, of tradition, of whatever keeps your river of life from flowing as it should. Let the operation today in the physical be a prayer and plea for you to do int he spiritual. Even let it be your prophetic proclamation and intent as your work through the people and procedure today. Let it be so your river flows into the dry and dusty places of our lives.
This is medical science at its best trying get my blood flowing through my vein again.
From my journal:
Father, your river of life is stopped up at places ad not able to have the life giving flow you desire. Please bust the clots of religion, of tradition, of whatever keeps your river of life from flowing as it should. Let the operation today in the physical be a prayer and plea for you to do int he spiritual. Even let it be your prophetic proclamation and intent as your work through the people and procedure today. Let it be so your river flows into the dry and dusty places of our lives.
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 13
Last evening I was transferred to the University of Maryland Medical Center in downtown Baltimore. No food or liquids by mouth so I can go into surgery quickly if possible when the vascular doctors see me.
What a different hospital this is! Lots of doctors coming by checking in. I am excited to be here in Baltimore, this so significant a city for June and me.
What should be done since your clot did not respond to the normal treatment? That is the focused question.
Less than 48 hours ago a prayer: Clarity and accuracy in diagnosis and here I am new hospital, clarified direction, readiness for intervention as useful in my situation.
My mind is full of what this means. How is God redirecting me and reforming my heart and realigning my call and activity of life that fulfills that call?
Perhaps the promotion which was about o come my way and then was blocked was not a strike of confusion and reluctance to move out of the status sue by my co-workers as I assumed but was actually the restraining hand of the Lord because his purpose is for a turning for me in a new direction?
I feel my hand and mind loosening on an insistence of what EMM should be and recognizing a distinction of my thoughts and call and what God may have for me and for EMM.
Define what you are called to, what are the limits of what you will give yourself to?
What a different hospital this is! Lots of doctors coming by checking in. I am excited to be here in Baltimore, this so significant a city for June and me.
What should be done since your clot did not respond to the normal treatment? That is the focused question.
Less than 48 hours ago a prayer: Clarity and accuracy in diagnosis and here I am new hospital, clarified direction, readiness for intervention as useful in my situation.
My mind is full of what this means. How is God redirecting me and reforming my heart and realigning my call and activity of life that fulfills that call?
Perhaps the promotion which was about o come my way and then was blocked was not a strike of confusion and reluctance to move out of the status sue by my co-workers as I assumed but was actually the restraining hand of the Lord because his purpose is for a turning for me in a new direction?
I feel my hand and mind loosening on an insistence of what EMM should be and recognizing a distinction of my thoughts and call and what God may have for me and for EMM.
Define what you are called to, what are the limits of what you will give yourself to?
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 11-12
The clot has grown--while on coumadin--not supposed to happen. It is in my right thigh into my groin up to the point of the appendix operation.
So what is occurring? I lay here in the hospital but the swelling is still increasing. I think I felt it growing. I thought it lingering effect of my surgery but now I think it was the clot growing and pressing tighter in my vein.
Back to the fog on the path forward, but still choosing life, still worshipping, still asking for clarity to come.
Today Joe King came in and prayed for clarity and accuracy in diagnosis.
A verse from a mother in the church:
For you oh Lord have delivered my should from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living (Ps 116:8,9)
Deliverance from the Lord with a 2 fold promise:
> That I will walk!
> That it will be in the land of the living
Deep within my spirit is this revelation:
The Son does not revolve around me, I revolve around the Son.
I do not demand of the Lord but I ask full of faith in accordance with the word of faith planted within me.
And finally a word in a card from a friend who has suffered illness of greater magnitude than mine:
The hands that fashioned the universe
Are strong enough to heal you
And gentle enough to hold you
I pray that you find rest and healing in the arms of our loving Father.
Interesting...as the uncertainty of the circumstances go up so do the words of reassurance that God is strong, he is loving and relates with me in that consistency.
So what is occurring? I lay here in the hospital but the swelling is still increasing. I think I felt it growing. I thought it lingering effect of my surgery but now I think it was the clot growing and pressing tighter in my vein.
Back to the fog on the path forward, but still choosing life, still worshipping, still asking for clarity to come.
Today Joe King came in and prayed for clarity and accuracy in diagnosis.
A verse from a mother in the church:
For you oh Lord have delivered my should from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living (Ps 116:8,9)
Deliverance from the Lord with a 2 fold promise:
> That I will walk!
> That it will be in the land of the living
Deep within my spirit is this revelation:
The Son does not revolve around me, I revolve around the Son.
I do not demand of the Lord but I ask full of faith in accordance with the word of faith planted within me.
And finally a word in a card from a friend who has suffered illness of greater magnitude than mine:
The hands that fashioned the universe
Are strong enough to heal you
And gentle enough to hold you
I pray that you find rest and healing in the arms of our loving Father.
Interesting...as the uncertainty of the circumstances go up so do the words of reassurance that God is strong, he is loving and relates with me in that consistency.
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 10
Back in the hospital!
My leg was swollen larger than ever before and more painful than even the appendicitis. To walk young home I would lean on a chair that I would keep pushing in front of me like a walker.
Just 2 days at home and now back in the hospital again.
Austin texted me: In youth drop they talked about Ruth, lots of bad stuff happened but in the end t was good. He was encouraged by that...and in that he was so was I.
Lia had a good talk with Ms Kim, one of the youth leaders. She listens well she said. What grace to have other persons coming to the side of my children in this vulnerable time.
My leg was swollen larger than ever before and more painful than even the appendicitis. To walk young home I would lean on a chair that I would keep pushing in front of me like a walker.
Just 2 days at home and now back in the hospital again.
Austin texted me: In youth drop they talked about Ruth, lots of bad stuff happened but in the end t was good. He was encouraged by that...and in that he was so was I.
Lia had a good talk with Ms Kim, one of the youth leaders. She listens well she said. What grace to have other persons coming to the side of my children in this vulnerable time.
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 8 - 10
Since I am not in pain the abdomen and gall bladder and whatever else will need to tend to itself under the Lord's watchful gaze. No surgery should be done since a portion of clot is already broken off and lodged in my lung. The doctor put me back on coumadin, a blood thinner, to avoid future clots. And I am sent home form the hospital. Continued drug therapy is the expected course toward resolution. I have lost weight. All is not well but June has a sense that the gall bladder is a smoke screen to bring confusion.
Another word of Scripture sent from a friend:
It is clear to us friends,
That God not only loves you very much
but also has put his hand upon you for something special
(I Thes. 1:3)
Accompanied with this was a word, this is transition: You have been pushing many wheelbarrows you are to push just one.
Another word of counsel: Put your ministry involvements on a continuum with what you can and cannot do.
Another word of Scripture sent from a friend:
It is clear to us friends,
That God not only loves you very much
but also has put his hand upon you for something special
(I Thes. 1:3)
Accompanied with this was a word, this is transition: You have been pushing many wheelbarrows you are to push just one.
Another word of counsel: Put your ministry involvements on a continuum with what you can and cannot do.
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 7
What an amazing, humbling awareness to participate in a healthy functioning portion of the body of Christ, his church. Over 25 visitors today--my rooms as delightfully crowded at times! So much love, so many prayers. One memorable moment was the diving timing to have my friends Neal, and Tilahun both present at the same time. They stormed heaven and laid hands on me for healing. A palatable sense of the presence of God.
And from another person, a word from the Lord: This experience is a defining moment that defines a season and leads me in a different direction.
(And now one year later I see how true that is.)
And from another person, a word from the Lord: This experience is a defining moment that defines a season and leads me in a different direction.
(And now one year later I see how true that is.)
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 6
The Brian Doerksen's CD "Today (as for me and my house)" is ministering deeply to me. Today I chose life, I chose your way God--even when circumstances are swirling around my health and doctors are wondering what to do next.
In the midst of the storm of uncertainty there is a calm of trust and intimacy of grace. First with God in these songs of worship. Closely connected with June, Lia and Austin.
Today Austin spent much of the day at the hospital with me and at the and of the day said: It was really good. What a blessing to be told that by my teen age son who just spent the day in my hospital room.
Thanks, Austin!
It was Lia's firsts ay of work at the Amish Market. Se came to the hospital afterward excited with the experience of her first real day of working for pay. Life goes on around me. It does not stop and wait for me to get well. But as my life activity is slowed and greatly altered it allows me to notice the lives of those I love most closely in a new way.
Austin, Lia, June and I played a game of Yahtzee on my hospital bed. Austin who was reluctant to play ended up winning with Lia close behind. I was delighted!
I am alert, interacting, aware, involved, just not moving well. My mind and spirit heart and emotions are well. My body is confusing and confounding the learning of science of how it should respond. I am experiencing the words of Apostle Paul, outwardly wasting away yet inwardly renewed day by day.
Another poignant moment, full of courage and honesty with my should mate: June I do not have any premonition but if I should die this is what I would like for my funeral...
In the midst of the storm of uncertainty there is a calm of trust and intimacy of grace. First with God in these songs of worship. Closely connected with June, Lia and Austin.
Today Austin spent much of the day at the hospital with me and at the and of the day said: It was really good. What a blessing to be told that by my teen age son who just spent the day in my hospital room.
Thanks, Austin!
It was Lia's firsts ay of work at the Amish Market. Se came to the hospital afterward excited with the experience of her first real day of working for pay. Life goes on around me. It does not stop and wait for me to get well. But as my life activity is slowed and greatly altered it allows me to notice the lives of those I love most closely in a new way.
Austin, Lia, June and I played a game of Yahtzee on my hospital bed. Austin who was reluctant to play ended up winning with Lia close behind. I was delighted!
I am alert, interacting, aware, involved, just not moving well. My mind and spirit heart and emotions are well. My body is confusing and confounding the learning of science of how it should respond. I am experiencing the words of Apostle Paul, outwardly wasting away yet inwardly renewed day by day.
Another poignant moment, full of courage and honesty with my should mate: June I do not have any premonition but if I should die this is what I would like for my funeral...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 5
The straight line from appendicitis to healing is not occurring--it is twisting and hazy at best. The blood clot--the piece that broke off into my lung--the lingering abdominal infection and diagnostic suggestion that my gall bladder is none functional. We are no longer on track for a quick return to the normal assumption of life and health. So trust, step 1. What else is God speaking?
A trusted friend in Hong Kong called and said she had a reoccurring prophetic word that the illness I was experiencing was a spiritual attack stirred up by my ministry trip in Europe, Wales specifically where I was when I started to fall ill. The attack was still underway indicated by the confusion surrounding my treatment and lack of apparent progress in healing.
The call came to June late in the evening. June wondered should I go charging back to the hospital ignore the closed doors and after hours notices and simply say: My husband is under spiritual attack I must get to him? Well, maybe not, I was also in God's safe keeping. So she called me, we committed it to the Lord and agreed to deal with it the next day.
But then June said, how was she to fall asleep in the wake of this word that her husband's very life was under spiritual threat?
As June lay in bed she had a vision of me in my hospital bed. But I was not alone. Surrounding the bed were 12 husky men facing outward guarding my bed against spiritual harm. And in that revelation June slept peacefully.
The next morning June came in; we prayed together and spoke out breaking the curse in the name of Jesus, recommitted ourselves to the Lordship of Jesus alone, and shared communion together as a symbolic act demonstrating that the curse would be broken upon me. It was an intimate and moving time bringing June and me onto he same page believing the Lord for healing and resting in confidence that his strength and love were mightily active.
Why the protection as seen in the vision? Because the global body of Christ was unleashed in prayer. The word was getting out that Glenn had more at stake than a simple appendicitis surgery and the body was responding. Throughout our network of churches here in this region, our family and friends and notably the international connections I had gained from ministry travel over the years were praying and letting us know of their prayers.
June and I had a ring side seat to watch and experience how the Lord works in the face of his people's prayers.
A trusted friend in Hong Kong called and said she had a reoccurring prophetic word that the illness I was experiencing was a spiritual attack stirred up by my ministry trip in Europe, Wales specifically where I was when I started to fall ill. The attack was still underway indicated by the confusion surrounding my treatment and lack of apparent progress in healing.
The call came to June late in the evening. June wondered should I go charging back to the hospital ignore the closed doors and after hours notices and simply say: My husband is under spiritual attack I must get to him? Well, maybe not, I was also in God's safe keeping. So she called me, we committed it to the Lord and agreed to deal with it the next day.
But then June said, how was she to fall asleep in the wake of this word that her husband's very life was under spiritual threat?
As June lay in bed she had a vision of me in my hospital bed. But I was not alone. Surrounding the bed were 12 husky men facing outward guarding my bed against spiritual harm. And in that revelation June slept peacefully.
The next morning June came in; we prayed together and spoke out breaking the curse in the name of Jesus, recommitted ourselves to the Lordship of Jesus alone, and shared communion together as a symbolic act demonstrating that the curse would be broken upon me. It was an intimate and moving time bringing June and me onto he same page believing the Lord for healing and resting in confidence that his strength and love were mightily active.
Why the protection as seen in the vision? Because the global body of Christ was unleashed in prayer. The word was getting out that Glenn had more at stake than a simple appendicitis surgery and the body was responding. Throughout our network of churches here in this region, our family and friends and notably the international connections I had gained from ministry travel over the years were praying and letting us know of their prayers.
June and I had a ring side seat to watch and experience how the Lord works in the face of his people's prayers.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- November 2 -4
After five days at home healing and dealing with some lingering infection issues in my abdomen, prompting a cat scan, some antibiotics and a warning from the surgeon, if the fever spikes go to the emergency room--that indeed is what happened. My fever spiked, June took me to the emergency room, Pastor Nelson from CCF came to stay with me, and the ER doctor diagnosed me with DVT--a blood clot in my right upper thigh. We are not keeping you here for whatever is going on in the abdomen but we are keeping you here for the DVT, the ER doctor said.
On Tuesday already I was experiencing pain in my upper thigh. As I recall a blood clot had crossed my mind as a possibility. But on Wednesday it was confirmed. And the focus suddenly changed.
This would be the ethos I would live in for the next number of weeks as events swirled and prognosis was uncertain. But if I already have a clot should I have surgery again on the abdominal stuff? Thursday morning I learned that not only I have a clot but a piece had already broken off and gone to my lung. Would more break off?
A break off clot in my lung and my DVT experience a decade before all meant I was in high risk group. The doctors were very serious. Heparin and then coumadin once again became my companions. When the coumadin takes effect indicates when I can go home. Established tried and settled way to deal with DVT. I remembered I had experienced it before.
But what about the original concern the lingering and mysterious abdominal infection? Would that get forgotten? Wy was my body suddenly falling apart?
I pressed in to the Lord: I need a word from you. I need a place to settle my faith. We really do not demand from God. We can't say, God this is what I want you to do for me. We can ask. And we listen and when he speaks we can pray that word in faith. We exist for God he does not exist for us.
The word came as I read the Psalms:
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:
...that you oh God are strong, and that you oh God are loving.
A word, you will be healed today would have been nice. But that as not what God spoke. Would I rise up in faith on what God chose to speak?
This pressed me to the core of my being much like I felt pressed to my bed as I woke from the surgery. This was spiritual surgery occurring. See, the most fervently and consistently I have prayed for anything in my life I have prayed for my father to be healed of cancer when I was 11. But he died. So it can be a struggle. Does God respond to prayer?
So here was the word: Glenn, as you lie here in the hospital, not healing as you expected from a familiar surgery but wondering what is going on health wise, whether your whole health is collapsing. Here is the word: I am strong. I am loving.
* Do I believe this?
* Will I exercise my faith on this?
* God will relate with me in strength and in love. He will not be unconcerned. The medical things that occur do not have God on the sidelines wringing his hands in despair.
* It was a "God I believe, help me in my unbelief" moment. I want to relate to you in this way. Give me grace so I can.
A simple word, a god chosen not a Glenn selected word. Simple to understand the words and meaning but one which took faith to receive. But my heart became steadfast as I realized: God created the world with his word. This is the same word speaking God. Yes, this God who creates and sustains the world can carry my life in a strong and loving way.
I kept resting in this word and kept placing my heart in this position. My prayers were as much not to give way to anxiety and dealing on a natural plane as it was for the actual power of God to bring physical healing to my body.
The word of God and the Spirit of God were recreating my heart and mind and bringing them into a wholeness and alignment with God's heart. In that I could rest even though I did not understand what it was--it is called trusting.
On Tuesday already I was experiencing pain in my upper thigh. As I recall a blood clot had crossed my mind as a possibility. But on Wednesday it was confirmed. And the focus suddenly changed.
This would be the ethos I would live in for the next number of weeks as events swirled and prognosis was uncertain. But if I already have a clot should I have surgery again on the abdominal stuff? Thursday morning I learned that not only I have a clot but a piece had already broken off and gone to my lung. Would more break off?
A break off clot in my lung and my DVT experience a decade before all meant I was in high risk group. The doctors were very serious. Heparin and then coumadin once again became my companions. When the coumadin takes effect indicates when I can go home. Established tried and settled way to deal with DVT. I remembered I had experienced it before.
But what about the original concern the lingering and mysterious abdominal infection? Would that get forgotten? Wy was my body suddenly falling apart?
I pressed in to the Lord: I need a word from you. I need a place to settle my faith. We really do not demand from God. We can't say, God this is what I want you to do for me. We can ask. And we listen and when he speaks we can pray that word in faith. We exist for God he does not exist for us.
The word came as I read the Psalms:
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:
...that you oh God are strong, and that you oh God are loving.
A word, you will be healed today would have been nice. But that as not what God spoke. Would I rise up in faith on what God chose to speak?
This pressed me to the core of my being much like I felt pressed to my bed as I woke from the surgery. This was spiritual surgery occurring. See, the most fervently and consistently I have prayed for anything in my life I have prayed for my father to be healed of cancer when I was 11. But he died. So it can be a struggle. Does God respond to prayer?
So here was the word: Glenn, as you lie here in the hospital, not healing as you expected from a familiar surgery but wondering what is going on health wise, whether your whole health is collapsing. Here is the word: I am strong. I am loving.
* Do I believe this?
* Will I exercise my faith on this?
* God will relate with me in strength and in love. He will not be unconcerned. The medical things that occur do not have God on the sidelines wringing his hands in despair.
* It was a "God I believe, help me in my unbelief" moment. I want to relate to you in this way. Give me grace so I can.
A simple word, a god chosen not a Glenn selected word. Simple to understand the words and meaning but one which took faith to receive. But my heart became steadfast as I realized: God created the world with his word. This is the same word speaking God. Yes, this God who creates and sustains the world can carry my life in a strong and loving way.
I kept resting in this word and kept placing my heart in this position. My prayers were as much not to give way to anxiety and dealing on a natural plane as it was for the actual power of God to bring physical healing to my body.
The word of God and the Spirit of God were recreating my heart and mind and bringing them into a wholeness and alignment with God's heart. In that I could rest even though I did not understand what it was--it is called trusting.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- October 29
The flight home.
That wheel chair option is pretty good! I got into parts of the airport I never was allowed to go before-just sit and let someone else do the work!
I was released from the hospital one evening and on Friday the 29th a year ago I flew home--wrapping my legs in stretch gauze in order to hopefully stave off blood clots. It was a holiday so no drug stores were open and the hospital did not provide any stretch socks nor did they seems concerned for me to take any blood thinner meds. Of course writing this one year after the fact I am foreshadowing. I was aware of the possibility of a clot but was also concerned of the incision, still quite sore, as the immediate concern. And after all I had been flying for ten years without incident. Just one prior clot incident in my history ten years before. Just the surgery and the lack of the aspirin a day different than other flights. That would not be enough to make any difference would it?
We flew business class--thanks to an adjusted ticket and frequent flyer miles. (Sitting is still difficult.) The wife of the couple I was traveling with in Europe went along with me. It would have been difficult to do myself.
Please sustain me, heal me, restore me...with a redemptive added value that has me live for purpose I journaled. In my read through Psalms I read 49--the text of the first message I preached in Hong Kong 17 years earlier. "No man can redeem the life of another or give to God a ransom for him, the ransom for a life is costly no price is ever enough that he should live on forever and not see decay." I reflected about my life and how I was living it in relation to June, Lia and Austin. And I continued to want to take steps to rectify the pressure and alienation June had expressed at the start of this trip.
I was also meditating on Ps 46 Come and see the work of the Lord thee evolution he has brought on the earth.
But wait! The desolation is totally unexpected, he is bringing desolation to the cultural strongholds and powers of the age. God rises and makes wars cease! He breaks the bow and shatters the spear. And then his invitation:
be still
be still and know
be still and know that I AM God
I will be exalted!
Lord, the ways I want to see you work often seem not to happen. Good opportunities seem missed. but when I "come". When I am "still". Then I notice grace and the ways you exalt your name.
I was about to get a ring side seat--front and center of God's grace and exaltation of his name in unexpected ways.
How good it was to be welcomed back by June, and to sit in familiar surroundings with people who loved me and knew me. I took the big recliner chair by the window in the living room. It was good to be home.
That wheel chair option is pretty good! I got into parts of the airport I never was allowed to go before-just sit and let someone else do the work!
I was released from the hospital one evening and on Friday the 29th a year ago I flew home--wrapping my legs in stretch gauze in order to hopefully stave off blood clots. It was a holiday so no drug stores were open and the hospital did not provide any stretch socks nor did they seems concerned for me to take any blood thinner meds. Of course writing this one year after the fact I am foreshadowing. I was aware of the possibility of a clot but was also concerned of the incision, still quite sore, as the immediate concern. And after all I had been flying for ten years without incident. Just one prior clot incident in my history ten years before. Just the surgery and the lack of the aspirin a day different than other flights. That would not be enough to make any difference would it?
We flew business class--thanks to an adjusted ticket and frequent flyer miles. (Sitting is still difficult.) The wife of the couple I was traveling with in Europe went along with me. It would have been difficult to do myself.
Please sustain me, heal me, restore me...with a redemptive added value that has me live for purpose I journaled. In my read through Psalms I read 49--the text of the first message I preached in Hong Kong 17 years earlier. "No man can redeem the life of another or give to God a ransom for him, the ransom for a life is costly no price is ever enough that he should live on forever and not see decay." I reflected about my life and how I was living it in relation to June, Lia and Austin. And I continued to want to take steps to rectify the pressure and alienation June had expressed at the start of this trip.
I was also meditating on Ps 46 Come and see the work of the Lord thee evolution he has brought on the earth.
But wait! The desolation is totally unexpected, he is bringing desolation to the cultural strongholds and powers of the age. God rises and makes wars cease! He breaks the bow and shatters the spear. And then his invitation:
be still
be still and know
be still and know that I AM God
I will be exalted!
Lord, the ways I want to see you work often seem not to happen. Good opportunities seem missed. but when I "come". When I am "still". Then I notice grace and the ways you exalt your name.
I was about to get a ring side seat--front and center of God's grace and exaltation of his name in unexpected ways.
How good it was to be welcomed back by June, and to sit in familiar surroundings with people who loved me and knew me. I took the big recliner chair by the window in the living room. It was good to be home.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- October 26 - 28
The days in the hospital in Prague were long and at times I felt quite alone and discouraged. The autumn weather outside my hospital window was in its pristine beauty, much like today, but I was cut off, inside, not at the retreat experiencing the relational connections that I envisioned would build in to the future. I was waiting for my body to heal. The emotional part was the hardest, not much in English around me, no one visiting after Sunday when my traveling companions needed to go off to the retreat (with my blessing).
Email messages which I only had access to through the data plan on my Blackberry at times routed reply messages to another email address of mine so I thought people were ignoring my mail. Later I found their responses but at the time I was unaware.
But God met me. He met me in his Word. I was reading through Psalms during this trip--and what better place to be when one is laid up medically or for other out of control reasons. Psalm 19:14 says my words and my thoughts you see. That here in this unknown place to me God was aware; and I called out for him to give me a word.
Another provision, beyond measure: In the end next to me, also receiving from appendicitis surgery the same day as mine was a young Czech man also fluent in English. He would translate for me when the nurses came in with medications to inject or swallow. I was glad to know what was going into my body! As we talked we laughed and watching each other holding our torsos because of the pain from laughing made it all the more funny! What a God send! I talked about my faith, he talked about his questions. Instead of spending the week in a retreat setting with resident witnesses of Jesus encouraging and teaching them I was given opportunity for front line practice! I understand the mind and heart of a Czech man whom Jesus loves better than I ever would have experienced otherwise. What a redemptive strand.
At the close of the week I said to him, I appreciate your friendship and help to em this week I del that God arranged for you to be here beside me. His joking retort: Oh! So it was your God that made me sick with appendicitis.
Oh well--maybe that is why I was just given the front line assignment for one week rather than long term.
It did create within me a special heart for our agency sending witnesses into this very God unaware nation. Empower them and sustain them Father! Make their lives and witness fruitful.
Email messages which I only had access to through the data plan on my Blackberry at times routed reply messages to another email address of mine so I thought people were ignoring my mail. Later I found their responses but at the time I was unaware.
But God met me. He met me in his Word. I was reading through Psalms during this trip--and what better place to be when one is laid up medically or for other out of control reasons. Psalm 19:14 says my words and my thoughts you see. That here in this unknown place to me God was aware; and I called out for him to give me a word.
Another provision, beyond measure: In the end next to me, also receiving from appendicitis surgery the same day as mine was a young Czech man also fluent in English. He would translate for me when the nurses came in with medications to inject or swallow. I was glad to know what was going into my body! As we talked we laughed and watching each other holding our torsos because of the pain from laughing made it all the more funny! What a God send! I talked about my faith, he talked about his questions. Instead of spending the week in a retreat setting with resident witnesses of Jesus encouraging and teaching them I was given opportunity for front line practice! I understand the mind and heart of a Czech man whom Jesus loves better than I ever would have experienced otherwise. What a redemptive strand.
At the close of the week I said to him, I appreciate your friendship and help to em this week I del that God arranged for you to be here beside me. His joking retort: Oh! So it was your God that made me sick with appendicitis.
Oh well--maybe that is why I was just given the front line assignment for one week rather than long term.
It did create within me a special heart for our agency sending witnesses into this very God unaware nation. Empower them and sustain them Father! Make their lives and witness fruitful.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Reflecting One Year Later -- October 23-25
I had planned the whole trip, already scheduled close to a year ago, to speak at the European worker retreat for our organization--and indeed the retreat was occurring but I was not attending. Instead I was in a hospital bed in Prague, Czech Republic receiving from appendicitis surgery.
I had arrived from Cardiff, Wales in Prague feeling lousy but assuming it was flu from the daughter of our hosts in Wales. A hope for a night of sleep to "sleep it off" was spent tossing and turning with an intense stomach ache--quite some heavy duty Wales Yorkshire pudding not agreeing with me. But the next morning it was still there and my traveling companion took me to see the doctor. Here the events began which show a divine orchestrating hand.
The hotel provided a taxi to take me to the clinic. Had we simply walked to the street as I wanted to and flagged a taxi rather than waiting for the hotel taxi to arrive the normal taxi would have driven away when we arrived at the first hospital which proved unsatisfactory for foreigners since the doctors did not speak English. The hotel taxi driver took us as his responsibility to see I got appropriate care. He drove us to the University hospital where tourists were supposed to go.
The diagnosing doctor later told me she learned her medical English by watching "Grey's Anatomy". She knew medicine and she knew English but not the appropriate English medical terms so her patients easily understood what she was diagnosing.
After tests and a second opinion she surprised me by saying: Mr Kauffman, we are diagnosing acute appendicitis and recommend immediate surgery. I asked could I get on a plane and go home to America? It is your choice but you must sign a waiver that you did not accept our recommendation she replied; that struck some seriousness into me.
She asked me to return 40 minutes later with a decision.
I discussed with my traveling partner. He advised me that air flights left for the USA in the morning and it was now past noon, this meant I would need to wait almost a day until I could even be on a plane to start the 9 hour flight to America.
I called June hoping she would say, Oh come home and be close to us. But she said, Well, OK, get it done, do not take the chance!
I called my medical doctor brother-in-law. He was up early deer hunting and said he felt certain in the USA I would get the same diagnosis and same recommendation for surgery.
I then realized that the prayer my traveling partner had told me he was praying that our counsel and information would all point in the same direction so that thee excision that should be made would be clear had been answered. It all pointed to getting the surgery done in Prague and I was at the best hospital in the country.
OK, I said to the doctor, let's do it.
Two hours later I had been prepped for surgery and was wheeled to the OR, but not before my church CCF had put the request on their pray mail and people were already praying.
I felt vulnerable stripped of all my possessions including my wedding ring laying on the gurney very naked, very alone wondering: if they mixed up my identity would I have trouble proving who I was? One of the last things I remember was a doctor asking me who I was and what I was there for and then I was waking up in a hospital bed in a room which was to be my home for the next 5 days so sore in my side I could not easily move. Pressed into the bed from the trauma of the incision in my side.
Later I learned from the doctor that the surgery was not easy, my appendix was already rupturing and they needed to handle it carefully. Had I foolishly insisted in going back to America so circumstances would be more familiar the appendix would have ruptured long before I got there.
Why did God not intervene with healing the appendix rather than clearly giving directions and wisdom into the decision. It seems there would have been less pieces to coordinate. However, we do not chose how God moves, we pray, but we do not dictate. We exercise faith based on the word the Lord speaks into our situation; He chooses the word.
In short: The sun does not revolve around us we revolve around the Son.
--Glenn Kauffman
I had arrived from Cardiff, Wales in Prague feeling lousy but assuming it was flu from the daughter of our hosts in Wales. A hope for a night of sleep to "sleep it off" was spent tossing and turning with an intense stomach ache--quite some heavy duty Wales Yorkshire pudding not agreeing with me. But the next morning it was still there and my traveling companion took me to see the doctor. Here the events began which show a divine orchestrating hand.
The hotel provided a taxi to take me to the clinic. Had we simply walked to the street as I wanted to and flagged a taxi rather than waiting for the hotel taxi to arrive the normal taxi would have driven away when we arrived at the first hospital which proved unsatisfactory for foreigners since the doctors did not speak English. The hotel taxi driver took us as his responsibility to see I got appropriate care. He drove us to the University hospital where tourists were supposed to go.
The diagnosing doctor later told me she learned her medical English by watching "Grey's Anatomy". She knew medicine and she knew English but not the appropriate English medical terms so her patients easily understood what she was diagnosing.
After tests and a second opinion she surprised me by saying: Mr Kauffman, we are diagnosing acute appendicitis and recommend immediate surgery. I asked could I get on a plane and go home to America? It is your choice but you must sign a waiver that you did not accept our recommendation she replied; that struck some seriousness into me.
She asked me to return 40 minutes later with a decision.
I discussed with my traveling partner. He advised me that air flights left for the USA in the morning and it was now past noon, this meant I would need to wait almost a day until I could even be on a plane to start the 9 hour flight to America.
I called June hoping she would say, Oh come home and be close to us. But she said, Well, OK, get it done, do not take the chance!
I called my medical doctor brother-in-law. He was up early deer hunting and said he felt certain in the USA I would get the same diagnosis and same recommendation for surgery.
I then realized that the prayer my traveling partner had told me he was praying that our counsel and information would all point in the same direction so that thee excision that should be made would be clear had been answered. It all pointed to getting the surgery done in Prague and I was at the best hospital in the country.
OK, I said to the doctor, let's do it.
Two hours later I had been prepped for surgery and was wheeled to the OR, but not before my church CCF had put the request on their pray mail and people were already praying.
I felt vulnerable stripped of all my possessions including my wedding ring laying on the gurney very naked, very alone wondering: if they mixed up my identity would I have trouble proving who I was? One of the last things I remember was a doctor asking me who I was and what I was there for and then I was waking up in a hospital bed in a room which was to be my home for the next 5 days so sore in my side I could not easily move. Pressed into the bed from the trauma of the incision in my side.
Later I learned from the doctor that the surgery was not easy, my appendix was already rupturing and they needed to handle it carefully. Had I foolishly insisted in going back to America so circumstances would be more familiar the appendix would have ruptured long before I got there.
Why did God not intervene with healing the appendix rather than clearly giving directions and wisdom into the decision. It seems there would have been less pieces to coordinate. However, we do not chose how God moves, we pray, but we do not dictate. We exercise faith based on the word the Lord speaks into our situation; He chooses the word.
In short: The sun does not revolve around us we revolve around the Son.
--Glenn Kauffman
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Reflecting one year later -- October 18 & 19
One year ago a rather unexpected turn in the road started. June and I were in the car on our way to Dulles airport -- rather than the closer and much more user friendly and familiar BWI airport. June was upset that I was headed out on another trip and upset that she needed to take me to the airport; not just the airport but hard to get to traffic congested Dulles! June told me how she was really feeling about this arrangement of living between Baltimore and Washington D C and me working part of the week out of an office in PA and allowing my ministry commitments to ooze across boundaries and absorb almost all of my energy. It was not pretty, not very complimentary to me--I did not feel like a very good husband, and I am afraid June would have rightly agreed.
I got on the plane to Wales with a heavy heart. Enroute, as is my custom, I journaled. "God, please help me, what should I do?" I wrote. I was aware the I needed to take June's cry seriously. And I knew that my commitment was for my marriage to survive and grow in increasing health. If necessary I would step out of my role with the mission I worked in as the international director. But as I recall from the vantage point now, I was ready to do it, if she really said that was what was necessary. I was ready to sacrifice if she knew I was sacrificing--if June was unable to handle this life we had been living the past two years since returning from Hong Kong. OK let me say it; if she was weak I could be strong and sacrifice.
Arriving in Wales the morning of the 19th I wrote a prayer asking God to not let us give way to despair but to pursue God's purpose for us. I was conscious that I was entering a land where a very significant revival had flamed into existence that is still referenced today as a great move of God. And so I wrote: "Lord, here in Wales is there a revival you will spring forth in my life? Please?
I was about to get my world rocked that would put its finger on what needed to transform within me much more than June. It would take 49 weeks to move into the start of the new season which means it is just starting this month.
New ministry sphere: as a pastor rather than a mission director. As a bishop with a focus in a region with global connections rather than as a global leader with some local connections. But that is getting ahead of the story.
--Glenn Kauffman
I got on the plane to Wales with a heavy heart. Enroute, as is my custom, I journaled. "God, please help me, what should I do?" I wrote. I was aware the I needed to take June's cry seriously. And I knew that my commitment was for my marriage to survive and grow in increasing health. If necessary I would step out of my role with the mission I worked in as the international director. But as I recall from the vantage point now, I was ready to do it, if she really said that was what was necessary. I was ready to sacrifice if she knew I was sacrificing--if June was unable to handle this life we had been living the past two years since returning from Hong Kong. OK let me say it; if she was weak I could be strong and sacrifice.
Arriving in Wales the morning of the 19th I wrote a prayer asking God to not let us give way to despair but to pursue God's purpose for us. I was conscious that I was entering a land where a very significant revival had flamed into existence that is still referenced today as a great move of God. And so I wrote: "Lord, here in Wales is there a revival you will spring forth in my life? Please?
I was about to get my world rocked that would put its finger on what needed to transform within me much more than June. It would take 49 weeks to move into the start of the new season which means it is just starting this month.
New ministry sphere: as a pastor rather than a mission director. As a bishop with a focus in a region with global connections rather than as a global leader with some local connections. But that is getting ahead of the story.
--Glenn Kauffman
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